THE LIMITS OF KINDNESS
For most of my forty-one-year professional life, I worked in academia. During those years, I served at different universities, faculties, and departments, interacting with hundreds, even thousands, of people in different ways. I worked alongside students, colleagues, administrators, staff, and many others who were part of academic life.
Throughout all those years, I encountered a truth that I was not fully aware of at the time, but which I have come to understand more deeply since retiring. I am sure that many of my colleagues who have retired from academia, with some exceptions, would agree with me.
I want to make one thing especially clear: If I had the chance to return to academia today and work for another forty-one years, I would probably behave in much the same way. Because I still believe that “Kindness is good.”
But the years have taught me another truth as well:
“Even kindness has its limits.”
Kindness is one of the most beautiful emotions and virtues a person can possess. Recognizing another person’s pain, reaching out to someone in need, standing beside someone going through a difficult time, and doing something without expecting anything in return… All of these things remind not only others, but also ourselves, that we are human.
Yet, like everything beautiful, kindness also needs to be practiced with balance.
Because how often we do something kind can, over time, change the way the other person perceives it.
There is a beautiful story that illustrates this.
Once upon a time, there was an injured leopard. He was so hungry and weak that he was unable to hunt. A crane saw him and felt sorry for him, so she began bringing him one of the fish she caught every day.
At first, the leopard was grateful. He saw the fish as a gift and the crane’s help as a great act of kindness.
Days passed. The leopard recovered and regained the strength to hunt again. He was now capable of finding his own food.
But the crane continued helping him. Every day, she brought him a fish and placed it in front of him.
And this was the point at which something began to change.
After a while, the leopard stopped saying thank you when the fish arrived. He had become accustomed to it. What he had initially regarded as a gift had gradually become ordinary. Worse still, he began to see the daily fish as something he was naturally entitled to receive.
One day, the crane was unable to catch enough fish and returned to her nest empty-handed.
The leopard became furious.
Gratitude gave way to anger, and appreciation was replaced by blame. Eventually, the leopard attacked the crane. She barely managed to escape with her life.
There is an important truth about human relationships hidden within this simple story:
“A kindness we repeatedly offer may eventually cease to be seen as kindness and become an entitlement in the eyes of some people.”
When we begin meeting every need of another person, something that was initially received with gratitude can gradually create an expectation.
Something we willingly do today can become an obligation expected of us tomorrow. After a while, if we stop doing it, we may even be questioned about why we are no longer doing it. Worse still, all the kindness we showed in the past can suddenly be forgotten.
The problem is not being kind.
The problem is losing the boundaries of kindness.
Helping someone is one thing; continuously taking responsibility for another person is something else.
Being there for someone during difficult times is one thing; beginning to live their life for them is something entirely different.
Sometimes, without realizing it, we may even prevent the person we are helping from using their own strength. If we keep giving them fish, perhaps we leave them with no reason to learn how to fish.
For this reason, kindness should have a side that does not merely comfort, but also empowers.
Instead of lifting someone up every time they fall, sometimes it is more valuable to help them learn how to stand up on their own.
Because real help is not about making someone dependent on us. It is about helping them regain the ability to rely on their own strength.
And sometimes, that requires us to say “no.”
“I can’t do this today.”
“It’s something you need to do yourself now.”
“I can be there for you, but I cannot take this responsibility on your behalf.”
These sentences are not signs of a lack of love.
Nor are they acts of selfishness.
Sometimes, they are the most honest form of respect we can show both ourselves and the other person.
Because setting boundaries does not mean abandoning kindness. On the contrary, it allows kindness to continue in a healthy way.
Perhaps many of us have a “leopard” in our lives.
Someone we constantly help, someone who eventually begins to take our help for granted, and someone who blames us when we stop helping…
But we also need to ask ourselves an honest question:
“Is the other person really exploiting us, or does this pattern continue because we have failed to set boundaries?”
When we fail to set boundaries, we do not merely increase other people’s expectations. We also increase our own exhaustion, resentment, and disappointment.
Eventually, a sentence begins to rise within us:
“I have done so much for you. Why is it still not enough?”
Perhaps this is exactly where we should look for the answer.
Maybe we are exhausted not because we have been kind, but because we have failed to define the limits of our kindness.
Kindness is beautiful.
But exhausting ourselves in the process of being kind eventually harms kindness itself.
That is why kindness needs balance, help needs boundaries, and sacrifice needs self-respect.
Perhaps the lesson we can take from the crane’s story is this:
“Do not withhold your kindness; but do not allow your kindness to become a habit that others consume without appreciation.”
Some people genuinely see what you give them as a gift. Others may gradually come to believe that it is a debt you owe them—something that should appear at their door every day.
Being able to recognize the difference in time is important.
And perhaps the greatest kindness we can offer someone is not to place a fish in front of them every day.
Sometimes, the greatest kindness is to teach them how to catch their own fish.
Because true kindness is not about making someone dependent on us; it is about helping them become capable of standing on their own feet.